


A Reason For Living

by AlexaNDYE



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Iron Man 1, after Afghanistan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2772518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexaNDYE/pseuds/AlexaNDYE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony knocks on Pepper's door with questions she can't answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Reason For Living

Pepper drew out a long sigh as she entered her single compact apartment. It only had one room, a small living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Her entire apartment was neat, clean, and simple. Her bedroom had a queen-sized bed, a couple night stands with lamps, a dresser, long drawers, and a tall slim mirror. Her living room had a long couch, a long bookcase with a medium-sized television in the center, and a small coffee mug table in the center.

Her kitchen was clean and cleared, except for the noticeable coffee machine, microwave, and toaster, in the corner. Her bathroom was neat as well, as all her make-up products were in their respective drawers, except for her hairdryer, straightener, and brush.

She dropped her bag at the foot of her bed and unbuttoned her blazer. She looked in the mirror and noticed how exhausted she looked. She wondered why no one said anything as the bags under her eyes were more than visible. They stood out like a sore thumb, actually.

She ran her hand through her hair and rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. She needed rest—god, did she need it, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep.

_Drip, drip, drip._

She snapped out of her tired thoughts and furrowed her eyebrows. She turned her head every which way to discover the source of the sound. She flipped on the lights of her bathroom—nothing. She looked into her bedroom—nothing again. She walked into the kitchen and finally found it. The storm outside was getting worse by the second, and somehow, the water found its way to her kitchen ceiling.

She groaned out loud. _Just great…_

She took a bucket out from underneath the sink and put it underneath the leak. It’s happened numerous times before, but she’s never thought of moving. Sure, it crossed her mind, but she never could find it in herself to go apartment hunting. She definitely had the money to move, but something about her old apartment made her stay.

As she continued to fight the annoying dripping sound, she changed into a tank top and a pair of long blue stripped pajama bottoms, snuggled underneath her sheets, and read her romantic mystery novel that sat on her nightstand. The sound of the pouring rain battering against her window and the setting of her favorite novel was all she could stand. She thought after an hour of reading that she’d eventually fall asleep, but sleep never came.

She closed her book, sighed, and let her head fall back against the headboard. She wasn’t bored – she was angry and frustrated. She wanted to fall asleep, but her body wouldn’t allow it. Why? She was exhausted. It didn’t make any sense.

She wondered, maybe it was because of her boss. It was the second night since he returned from Afghanistan, and her thoughts managed to wrap around that man every single second. She wondered if he was okay, if he was tinkering in his workshop like he always did, if he was eating properly, or if he going back to his old self and partying with a few blondes with huge racks.

And then she thought about what he showed her – the arc reactor. The single lighted device in the center of his chest. At first she thought it hurt him, and he explained to her that it used to, but he later revealed what it did. It was saving his life, and that’s all she needed to know to be reassured of its presence.

“And again, you’re thinking of _him_.” She scolded herself. “It’s always about him.” She was worried about him, but it was almost an hour after midnight, and the last thing she wanted to do was check up on him. Why? She wasn’t sure. She didn’t want to seem unprofessional, but it was after business hours, so a phone call wouldn’t be that harmful, right?

“No. Stop.” She shook her head. “He’s probably naked and tucked between two blonde women.” She sighed. “Like he always is…”

A few knocks on her door pulled her out of her thoughts, and at first, she was alarmed. It was late at night, and the list of people that would knock on her door at this hour was close to none. Confused and curious, she pulled on a sweatshirt and flipped on the lights in the living room. She looked through the peephole and instantly furrowed her eyebrows.

“Why is he here?” She mumbled to herself.

She unhooked the safety latch, unlocked the second lock, and opened the door. It was something she had never seen before, and never thought she’d see in her life.

“Tony?” Pepper gasped.

Tony, dressed in a long sleeved black cotton shirt, a pair of dark denim jeans, and a dark blue pullover sweatshirt, weakly smiled. He was shivering uncontrollably and his hair was matted down from the storm. Droplets of water dripped off the tips of his hair, and water trickled down the sides of his face and ran down to his chin. He looked like he had walked in the storm from his house to her apartment.

She looked at his drenched form in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“I… uh…” He paused to think of a valid excuse. “I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“At one in the morning?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

He smiled. “Yep.”

“Are _you_ okay?” She could see the dark circles under his eyes and his exhausted hunched over look. He didn’t look like he was renewed with energy – he looked scared, somewhat confused, and in search for something. What that something was, she had no idea.

“Uh… yeah. I just… I forgot… uh… which apartment was yours. I might’ve scared all of your neighbors.” He answered with a shaky breath. He violently shivered as the wind from the storm picked up and that’s when she ushered for him to come inside.

“You should come in before you catch a cold.” She said, opening the door for him. He wrapped his arms around himself and walked in. His shoes squeaked on the wooden flooring of the entrance and she immediately stopped him. “Take off your shoes and I’ll see if I have any clothes for you to wear.”

She didn’t know why he was there or what he wanted, but she couldn’t have him stay in those wet clothes of his. She took out a big white t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts from her drawers, and when she came out from her bedroom, he wasn’t at the door anymore. All she saw were his shoes.

“You have so many books.” He muttered. She turned her head and saw him looking up at her bookcases.

“Yeah. I like to read.” She handed him the clean clothes.

“There are more than I remember.”

She nodded. “Probably because that was over eight years ago.”

“Oh?” He frowned. “I thought I came here more times than that.”

“Definitely not sober, that’s for sure.” She replied.

He chuckled and pulled off his sweatshirt. She was used to these types of visits, but normally, he’d be drunk out of his mind, singing some kind of song as he stumbled into her bedroom. This time, he was sober – very sober – and he looked lost.

She heated up some water as he changed and handed him the mug. She took his clothes and tossed them in the dryer. When she came back, he was sitting on her couch with the mug in his hands. He took regular sips as he looked into the distance, lost in his own thoughts.

“Tony?”

He turned to her.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He lied and avoided her gaze.

She sat next to him, turned her body, and faced him with one leg tucked underneath. Her other leg dangled off the side of the couch. Now that she was closer, she could see the pain in his eyes and the undeniable sorrow.

They shared the silence, and the only sound was from him as he sipped the hot water. This was usually how it began – it starts with silence, Pepper would give him his space and refuse to pry, but her presence would eventually pull out what was on his mind. It was her comforting aura that always made him cave.

“Do you ever have those nights when you can’t sleep?” He asked without looking at her. “Exhausted and longing for a nice bed to sleep in, but as soon as your head hits the pillow, you can’t fall asleep.” He chuckled. “All that time in Afghanistan, hooked up to a car battery with nothing but a single dirty cot and a few tools and metal scraps, forced to build something for terrorists – I wanted to sleep so badly. I wanted to fall asleep in my own bed and feel safe in the comfort of my own home.” Tears formed in his eyes. “But I can’t… I can’t sleep.”

He turned to her, and that’s when she saw the shining cover over his eyes that warned her of tears. The pain and sorrow was fully visible, and he looked like he was pleading for her to take the pain away. She had never seen him like this—that wasn’t true. She’s seen this side of him multiple times, but that was during nights when he thought he could drink his problems away. She was one of the very few people that he opened up to, and she was thankful he trusted her that much. She always did what she could to comfort him and when morning came, they never spoke of _it_. It was a mutual agreement they never discussed, one that they were both comfortable with.

He tightened his hold on the mug. “I can’t…” A single tear ran down his cheek. “…I can’t sleep. And this thing.” His tone was filled with anger as he looked down at his arc reactor. “This stupid thing is too bright. I can barely think with it on.” He clenched his jaw, and before she could react, he was clawing at it. “This—“

 _This thing. This little circle of light. It’s keeping me alive, Pepper._ She remembered him telling her.

She reached out to cover his hands and pull them off the device. “Stop, Tony. Stop!” She forced his hands off, but he didn’t fight her. Tears rolled down his cheeks and dripped off his chin.

“I want it to stop.” He almost broke into a sob. “I can’t—the pain—I can’t anymore. It hurts so much. All I see are those soldiers, dying for me—me! I’m not worth it. I was never worth it. They died because of me… and I… I couldn’t do anything to save them.”

He held onto her hands and looked at her in the eyes. Her gazed locked onto his as the tears effortlessly ran down his cheeks like a river.

“Why am I alive, Pepper?” His voice was scratchy. “Why…?”

She could feel all of his sorrow, pain, and anguish, and it hurt. The pain was unbearable, and soon, tears threatened to escape the corners of her eyes. She didn’t have an answer for him, because she didn’t experience the torturous things he experienced in that dark empty cave in Afghanistan.

“Why… why…” He repeated and crumbled onto her lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him. She ran her hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head as he continuously asked the same question, over and over. The light in his chest flickered, and for a moment, she was worried, but when it settled down, she hugged him tighter. He cursed the light for all that it was worth, because of the innocent lives it used as a sacrifice. It tore her up to see him like this; in pain, confused, and conflicted.

Of all the places to go, of all the people to talk to—why her? She wondered this many times in the span of their ten year ‘relationship’.

She didn’t answer him, but instead, provided as much comfort and reassurance as she could. She moved them to her bedroom where he curled against her side and rest his head on her stomach. His body relaxed against hers as her hand continued to play with his hair. His arms were wrapped around her middle and his legs tangled with hers. It wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t right. She didn’t expect to be so close to her boss, and if anyone walked in on them at that moment, they’d assume they were in a relationship. Were they? The closeness was definitely there, but the commitment wasn’t.

Minutes passed before she noticed he was fast asleep. His eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly parted. His breathing evened out and his hold around her middle relaxed. She smiled and pressed another kiss to the top of his head. She tugged the blanket over their bodies and fell asleep alongside him with her cheek resting against his head.

When Tony awoke, he wasn’t surprised to find himself cuddled against her, nor did he leave the second he could. He stayed in bed with her and continued to contemplate the same questions that littered his mind the night before.

He looked over at Pepper and wondered how it was impossible to fall asleep in his own bed, but easy to fall asleep in hers – with her. With her. Holy shit, he fell asleep in her arms. He didn’t panic. He was confused, but only slightly. Pepper always did have this presence of emotional comfort and reassurance, and somehow, he always found her to be calming—but that was only when she wasn’t yelling at him.

Pepper awoke a few minutes later and asked if he was feeling better. He didn’t answer. She asked if he wanted something to eat or drink, and he simply nodded and smiled. He watched her slip out of his hold and walk towards the kitchen, and that’s when it hit him.

He was alive for her—for them. He was alive to protect them… all of them.

His Pepper.

He tapped his fingers against the arc reactor and smiled.


End file.
